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Learning the truth brings a great sense of relief and brings sense to the person’s experience. The things people must be sure to talk about are those things that are unsettling, guilt-producing, or controversial.” Brown (1991) advises that in most circumstances the unfaithful partner must disclose if healing is to occur.
Some authors give general advice about what to tell and when to tell (Brown, 1991; Subotnik & Harris, 1994 ; Wallerstein & Blakeslee, 1989; Vaughan, 1989). In some cases, she notes, behaviors from previous relationships or long ago do not always need to be revealed.
According to Pittman (1989), for example, the dishonesty may be a greater violation of the rules than the affair or misconduct.
He acknowledges that more marriages end in an effort to maintain the secret than do in the wake of telling.
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Psychologists, addiction counselors, and other mental health workers who treat individuals diagnosed with addictive sexual disorders frequently are told of sexual behaviors that the patient has not disclosed to the spouse or partner.
High on the list is “the extent of the deception and how the infidelity was disclosed (p.
31) Brown (1991) points out that secrecy creates insiders and outsiders.
Often the spouse has been suspicious and in some cases has threatened divorce or separation should certain behaviors (e.g.
affairs, purchasing sex, participation in cybersex, or sexual involvement by professionals with patients or clients) be revealed.